WEARING RAINBOOTS ON SUNNY DAYS

things that i never thought id enjoy as much as i do

2009-09-17T14:15:00.000-07:00

god some things in life are so amazing.

even if it only lasts a moment, that feeling lasts. knowing that you have the potential/opportunity to feel that way again. soon or later in life.

all i know is im thankful.
for all the little things.
many im too silly to admit, many that dont need to be admitted.
i think that people are afraid to let loose. to be free.
to give people a real chance.

now sometimes you will get burned, and sometimes you will find love.
and not even necesarily love in a sensual way, but in a way where you get that feeling that you cant even start to explain.
that spreads a smile across your face, and not being able to make it stop for a few minutes.
and people see it when you are happy, in love, pondering about what else you dream to dare to do......

anyways ive had some moments lately that make me so happy, and im just thankful and dont want to forget that happiness, so i wanted to write it down.
thats about it.

thankful for what i have.

when the sun shines upon my face

2008-12-29T21:35:00.000-08:00

how i love to see my life: with the sun shining in, just brushing against my face, the cold wind blowing my hair, it was picture perfect today. the perfect little get-away.

not to far, but just far enough to feel free.

i find that 100% of the time, the one thing that can help me to feel better is taking pictures.
its amazing really what it does for me.
puts me in that zone. where i could care less what you or anyone else has to say about me, what I'm doing, how i look. nothing. my head is free from these petty thoughts that seem to run through myself endlessly.
but i get to a country road, a beautiful soul-enchanted house that someone else once lived in and loved in. its amazing the way i can think when i let myself go.
how i can enjoy any small item, even if it is really just a bucket of old nuts and bolts, or an old scooter, a beautiful worn out rained on vintage couch...anything.
its beauty. all around me. i feel surrounded when i can let go of the petty bullshit.
when i can stop thinking about this next dreaded semester.
when i can finish growing up and get away from this life Ive lived and dragged on since i graduated in 2005.

i think about life far away, or even not so far away- and its seems wonderful, then i let fear get back into my soul. i let myself doubt again. let all these bad thoughts rush into my head...
what if i don't make it? what if i get up there...wherever i end up and cant do it? am lost? it makes me not want to ever leave, and that's scarier than failing. i don't want to live a mediocre Albany life, but all i know is here.

my home, my schools, my friends, family, music, harvest moon, my room, my mom, the yard sales, all the back roads that i take ever day to get around, everything i know. everything. will change. not one thing in my life will be exactly like i know it now.
and that honestly scares me so bad that i could consider never vacating this town.
without these things, that have made me who i am today...who am i? Lynsey in a different town...just doesn't seem right.

why have i done this? i was in no hurry to grow up, but now i feel so dependent on my parents, like without them, what can i do?
I'm broke. i live at home. my mom pays majority of my bills. jobless. but a life full of substance.
i feel Ive grown , but when i look at those facts .... i cant honestly say i support myself at all.
its strange how shattering that is, but its always been like this. Ive always been a child, never grown enough to be considered an adult. never out on my own. always been that baby child, who loves unconditionally and clings to my mom in bad times. shes always been there for me. always. since the day i was born, she is the one thing that has never left or forsaken me. she is my one stable in life. she is love.

on the other hand-
my brother likes to run this thought through my mind all the time, he says I'm a spoiled brat...and that everyone thinks that, knows that, etc.....
i don't really believe that, not even 70% of me believes that but that 30% that feels like what he is saying could be even slightly legit....kills me. i don't want to be that. and the fact that i even let in sink in makes me think its true, that i have become a spoiled "brat"
---now i don't think I'm a brat, at all really.
but spoiled yes, and i don't like that about myself--i guess I'm coming to grips with that right now...
i think a lot of us ARE spoiled though, our generation has been spoiled, and had an easier road then previous generations, we heard the sad sob stories from out grandparents, and even parents about "walking to school uphill in the snow" etc....and even if that is a made up tale, we don't have those stories, we've been brought up in totally different times.

anyways- i got sidetracked. but needed to think about that all.
onto my point of this blog.
pictures.
my journey today started on old Pretoria road.
Evan wanted a picture of this sign he loves and wants to take, but hasn't yet taken.

so i took some for him, and myself.

The Virgin Queen

2008-12-08T09:51:00.000-08:00

God she is beautiful. what a strong woman. one i can i say i yearn to be like; in some ways.

so let me start off by sayin' im trying to write a paper right now, and its not even that im "not interested" in this subject, my mind just wanders...endlessly.

and ususally i think its a pretty good thing, i dont get stuck on one thing easily, i forget easily, or atleast brush things off to the side for a while before i get back to business.

but i must write now, not even that this paper has to be so long, only 4 pages, but still the pain and agony of just sitting here staring at this screen is killing me.

it pretty much boils down to one thing: lazyness
back to real life. now.

Dahlonega...

2008-12-04T08:24:00.000-08:00

Lyrics to the song about Dahlonega:

Headed into the hills again Thursday, north Georgia bound About fourty three miles to my destination A little goldrush college town In the Blue Ridge Mountains, on the horizon Here I come Smokin' like a freight train Passin' time racin' the sun When I pass that city limit sign I'm feelin' fine, oh Dahlonega Seems everybody knows my name Man, it really blows my mind Cause I've never been one of those popular guys Was always the quiet kind And never a local football star celebrity None of the cool girls ever seem to notice me Oh, but now I hear 'em sing along I feel at home in Dahlonega Dahlonega I feel like I've struck gold, I've struck gold around here Bury my heart and call it home Midnight is closin' time Last call for alcohol And I watch everybody stumble away I hear Highway 60 call It's back to the real world Nine to five, payin' the bills Back to the routines Fillin' my flask and poppin' pills When I cross that Lumpkin county line I'll be cryin', I'll be cryin', I'll be cryin' Dahlonega, Dahlonega

So throughout the past few months i have been looking at colleges and the one that stood out to me for some reason is North Ga College {Military College}, ive always loved Dahlonega ever since i heard this song, by corey smith called Dahlonega....anyways ive done alittle research and went to visit, its pretty nice. a quiet cozy mountain town where i could really see myself starting my own life after college--whether i move after i graduate or what, regardless. i feel dahlonega could definitely be the place i want to be, im done with albany and the surrounding areas, thats the one thing i know for SURE.

anyways. we went and visited and it was beautiful, the first time i went they were having a "gold rush" festival, the little town was packed full of people exploring the booths full of everything you could imagine, people galore. it was alittle crazy to see so many people around the small town, not what i was expecting...but its nice to know it gets busy at times and has a good "tourist" attraction since it is the sight of the first gold rush.

anyways the 2nd time i went it was a beautiful, rainy day. i wasnt feeling so well so we didnt stay too long, just passing through really. but still an enjoyable time, just to drive through the town gives me a feeling that i cant describe, its like i know i could possibly start to grow up there, on my own, time for me to be a woman, time for me to finish school, graduate, start getting my photography career on track or else time to start teaching hopefully 1,2 or 3rd grade english or science--maybe even teaching art!

ive also considered instead of getting an art education degree, getting an art therapy degree, i think i would enjoy working with the previously hurt/sick patients and helping them with art to get better, get strength back through art, love, creativity....i think that would be amazing, possibly AS amazing as teaching small children about how creative they already are, how their minds are full of crazy cool ideas, that they just need to get out on paper, oh the possibilities are endless...

I went and hung with Haley B. for the day while we were in Atl/Kennesaw area--we had a fun time. i bought a cute green hat :). (see above)

the mann family

2008-12-03T14:07:00.001-08:00

pictures i had been needing to look at and mess with. still work needs to be done but there are some real keepers for the mann family, they are precious. one of the cutest families i know. :)

tabitha my sugar plum fairy

2008-12-03T09:49:00.000-08:00

this is tab. she is my friend, she is amazingly beautiful. we took some pictures. im gonna post a few. shes crazy! but we are all alittle crazy in our own ways, thats what makes us so unique. i just recently met tab, say about 3-4 months ago. i once had someone tell me how intriguing she was, but to not be fooled or taken in by her... everybody has their faults, hard times, bad times, times when we mess up...and everybody deserves [maybe not] forgiveness, it just takes time and lots of love, she is no exception to that rule. even with extreme beauty, mistakes are made and carried out. we have a fun time together, we seem to mesh very well & i do love her, some of these pictures are stunningly beautiful of her.

i liked this lighting.

this one is kind of whimsical

stunning

thoughts in my head; they've got to come out.

2008-12-03T09:10:00.000-08:00

so a lot of times i feel like my life is out of control, although i have a wonderfully easy life. i cant complain about one truely bad thing in my life. i live at home, go to college in my home-town, and have some amazing friends i've made along the way...but i still am not happy. and that makes me wonder, what am i doing wrong, or not doing that i should be. i hate to feel like this, but i feel selfish, i feel like ive deserted God and the things that used to make me such a strong person. ive got to come back to home, back to Him, back to my roots. i felt more grounded and like i was in control when i lived the "right" way. not that i am not currently enjoying the joy-ride of life i am currently on, and its not that i even feel what i am doing is wrong. and that may be a problem as well. i think we all need someone to talk to about this sort of thing, the things that REALLY matter in the end, that decide my eternal fate. its important, but i try to just brush it off untill the next day, next week, next year. i think that the way i look at things is... ive got time, why rush myself...but that is going about it all wrong, i know that tomorrow i could wake up and the world could be coming to a screeching hault. i know what i know. im not dumb, but lazy i am. and thats what kills me, its not like im dumb and cant make wise-choices, its not like im not mature enough to see that all that i am doing now affects my life from here on out. i know that i must strive to be like God, in order to feel like my life is in order and the way i know i want to feel. i dont like hiding things, feeling dirty and like a dissapointment. my mom would be really unhappy if she knew all the facets of my life. but she doesnt know, i keep a "veil" over her eyes, to only show what i want her to see, to only let her see me at my best, when im feeling wonderful, to show her she has done a wonderful job raising me alone, which she has, she gave her whole life up just so me & my brother could live a wonderful life, not wanting for anything. and i couldnt be honestly anymore thankful. but i still try to hide the bad from her, and most everyone, act like it doesnt matter or bother me and push it to the side, but you cant do that and expect to be happy. its still in you, deep down in your soul, eating away at you.

another thing. i used to love christian music that i found while going to cornerstone, i felt at many times SO in contact with God, like the words spoke right to my soul and i knew it was meant for me. so much that i wanted to be crazy for God, jump up and down and yell for him. but now i hear that music and i want to turn it off, just so i dont have to think about it all. think about my past and how i was living before i went back to all this... and that sucks. because the things it is saying is heartfelt truths that are gut-wrenching when you are in the wrong, and i am. i dont like to lie to myself and make it seem all okay, i dont like to lie at all really. lies lead to more lies, and more and more, and i absolutely hate to lie. i dont like the way i feel about myself when i lie to people, i cant look you in the eye. its always there, lies dont go away, and i know that.
but its not enough hurt to make me want to turn back yet, i think that i will come back to that point in my life when i know im tired of this bullshit that im living right now, having a good time, doing my thing, not neccesarily doing much wrong--but not doing the right either. its like a life of in-betweens. that happy medium that keeps me satisfied most of the time, untill mornings like this when i start thinking and just cant stop. its these kind of mornings that make me yearn for a life full of love, and i know that in order for me to find love-- "earthly" love... i must be in love with God, i dont want a relationship full of drama and bullshit, thats not what im looking for. im looking for true love, which i may not even know what true love is yet, but i know deep down i want it. i want someone who loves me for me, which is god. he made me. he knew i would be feeling like this. needing someone to comfort me and break me down to the point where i can no longer be happy being this mediocre me. barely getting by sometimes. but i do a pretty good job keeping this all together, until i have a moment...and then it feels good.
it feels good to write this all down, not even thinking if this is making sense as i rapidly type this all down, listening to the keystrokes, thinking about the next thoughts that will run through my crazy head.